Justa workin on my fitness

If you have never bought a new bed, I highly recommend it.  I have now slept three blissful nights on a very comfortable mattress that I got at a very reasonable price.   The best part about it is, i wake up every morning with more than enough energy to go to the gym.  I am certainly no muscle head, i just don't ever again want to get to my former 260 lb self.  However relationships have a way of putting some weight on a happy man and now it is time to take that weight off.  I do love myself no matter what, i would just prefer to not look like i have two bags of pudding on my back.  But, going to the gym has a price, a price that far exceeds the cost of the monthly membership.

I hated gym class as a kid.  not because i didn't like to run around and play games, no i just didn't like the culture that gym class created.  First of all, i was never really athletic as a kid.  i was more the kid who loved to get all his energy out, but i had the grace and ability of Chris Farley on roller skates.  Second, i never was picked first for teams, nope glasses wearing curly haired Miles was always dead last.  Third, the locker room, most of my gay friends said that was there favorite part, not me.  I find any locker room to be a stinky, weird, unsanitary place.  The locker room is where men turn into some sort of strange beast.  All of the sudden it is socially acceptable to fart as loud as you want, to call everything a bitch and for some, to walk around naked touching, scratching and generally manipulating there penis.  How much more of an odd homo-erotic place can this be.  As an adult this weird phenomenon has not changed, now i just am forced to pay for it if i want to work out.  I have a system when it comes to going to the gym.  Its a tried and true method that begins with locker selection all the way down to a shower afterward, if i have too.

When you get to the gym locker selection is key, if your locker room is broken up into different groups of lockers, select which area will be right for you.  The group of lockers closest to the door is reserved for old men and middle aged show boaters.  I caution against sitting on the benches in this area.  After a shower the middle aged guys usually like to lotion up there entire bodies completely naked.  Many times i have come in for a workout only to be greeted to a view of a guy who looks like your High School history teacher, with one leg on the bench applying lotion a little too close to an area he should lotion at home.  Next are the really old guys, and i am talking really old guys.  I applaud these  men for keeping up on there fitness later into there lives, but when you reach that age two things happen.  You don't give a shit about anything and gravity gets to your coin purse.  Again, avoid the benches in this area, I have witnessed on more than one occasion an older mans jewels hit the bench long before his ass.  yikes!

Middle bay is for the 26-37ish year olds.  It would be the best place to locker, due to the fact that it is usually very in and out for this group, but it is always packed and sometimes you get Commander Steroids talking for 45 mins about how he "Blasted his Abs today".  Usually he is standing in front of your locker and wont move. That's bad news if your tired and just want to go home.

The most out of the way bay is usually my selection due to its remote location.  Only warning about that is if you work out at a gym known for cruising, you may encounter someone with more on his mind than the treadmill.  Best thing to do is not make eye contact and change as quickly as possible.

Couple tips about selecting cardio equipment.  Depending on your fitness level and music selection, you may want to leave yourself some space.  I say fitness level because if you cough or sweat, your not flinging it around like an out of control drag queen with a bottle of glitter.    I say music more for me.  I like loud music that i can lose myself in.  It helps me focus on the task at hand.  I don't realize i am tired and want to quit because my brain is engaged in something else.  But, I am a 5'10" 190 lb man with shaved head and a beard. If you are close enough you will realize that the music that motivates me is the Hairspray Pandora station.  That's right, my gay ass runs and lifts weights while listening to show tunes. Don't judge me!

As far as weights go, it is a double edged sword.  I like both machines and free weights, but free weights can attract that douche who grunts and screams while he lifts.  It sounds like he is having a combination bowel movement and orgasm.  If that does not bug you then your in the clear.

Lastly the showers.  If you must shower at a gym, i urge shower shoes. Men pee, blow there nose and soap up there cracks in these showers.  I would highly recommend that you not let bare skin touch these areas.  Also, if the showers are open, mind your own business.  Nothing says creeper quite like when you rinse soap off your face and notice that someone is staring at you while they scrub their balls.  Double Yikes!


No matter where you are in your fitness do something to stay healthy.  I am living proof that despite all the weirdness of you local gym, you can achieve fitness goals and be healthy.  (BLech i just put that in because my Mom said i was to mean spirited in my writing)