I will no longer follow your blog!

So apparently I am in some way offensive enough for one of my blog followers to personally e mail me and tell me they will no longer follow my postings. BITCH! if you want to read offensive then sit back an I will make sure you know what offensive really means!


Dear person who thinks I am offensive,

I took a great big shit this morning. It was a liberating feeling. My bowels evacuated with the intensity of a waterfront hooker looking to suck her next dick. Speaking of sex, I fucked my boyfriend last night. Yep I love gay sex and sometimes cant get enough of my hot man. I pinned him down and had my way again and again and again. then I took a shower and realized that my appetite was not satisfied, so I went back to him and had some more gay SEX. Sex, however is not a four letter word so i think I should have said Fuck. Fuck Fuck Fuck, lets all be afraid of this word, it is soooooooo offensive.

I also woke up still a little drunk. I drank some maker's mark last night. I felt like Lindsey Lohan. Except i don't own a car or have any acting jobs, so I guess the only thing we have in common is a lust for the drink. Speaking of lust, did you notice that I said FUCK!

I just waved off a bum with open sores on his face. I wanted to feel bad but that would not be offensive enough. I felt sick to my tummy looking at all of those meth induced sores on his face. I went to the restroom in Starbucks to throw up, but ended up dry heaving for a second then decided to take another shit. It felt great! That was a fragment sentence and I could care less. I hate grammar and hope it goes to hell with that bum.

By the way, I know your a Mormon! Did you know that they just made a musical about your religion? Enough said about that topic.

Happy fucking Valentines day you entitled bitch! I hope when you lay down to "Make Love" to your impotent husband, you distract your brain long enough to think about me. Also, if you decide to continue to over populate the world even more, I hope you brat is gay and offensive like me!

The rest of this letter is some offensive words I will make SURE to use in the future!

Cock
Balls
Sarah Palin
Taint
Fore skin
Vagina Slime
Butt Hole
Republican
Fuck
Damn
Hell
Limbaugh
Cock
Suck
Texas


Thank you

V day

OH FUCK!


I am actually in a relationship for the dreaded Valentines day. For the most part I consider this a day to drink whiskey and reflect on why I think the whole business of love and relationships is a silly thing for the complacent and desperate. I was the hold out of all of my friends and family, sure i would date from time to time, but I never really cared for the commitment, the dependency, the mess, the tears or the large amounts of money spent on the courtship process. I am lone wolf, who can see danger from a mile away. I sneered and giggled at my friends who fell like dominoes into the grasp of this black oblivion. Then, I met Mathew, and he was better and being with me than I was at pushing him away.


He has got giant eyes and noodle arms. Doc Holliday is his great, great, great grandfather. and for the past year or so I wake up everyday to his grouchy face. I love him, and his O.C.D ways. But now I am up shit creek because I have no clue what to do about Valentines day. All of my straight firend have chimed in with several different ideas on how to make this a success. here are the top 3 ideas and why they don't work for a guy like me.

(LOOKING FOR A GIFT FOR YOUR SWEETIE? CONSIDER CLICKING ON ONE OF THE AMAZON.COM LINKS ON MY PAGE AND GIVE THE GIFT OF AMAZON THIS VALENTINES DAY. BUT SERIOUSLY LINK FROM MY PAGE!0

First suggestion.

spread rose petals all over the house, light a bunch of candles and have a bubble bath waiting for him.

First Problem
Mathew has OCD and would freak out if there were a bunch a flower petals around the house.

Second Suggestion

Wait for him to come home and be naked on the bed with a bow around your junk.

Second Problem

Even the thought of that is making me laugh. I don't know if I could keep a straight face lon enough to pull it off.

Third Suggestion

go out for a romantic dinner and a concert/movie/whatever

Third Problem

Money


I think that the best solution is always the most simple. I love him everyday and I don't need to show that 1 day a year, I need to show it everyday.


BUY SHIT FROM AMAZON THROUGH MY BLOG PAPA NEEDS NEW UNDERWEAR!

When it Rains it pours

how good can your day be when you walk out your front door to a strange person begging you for money an whatever else you can give them. I am not being insensitive to the plight of the homeless, and if you truly need help, i will help you. I am talking about the people who beg because they think it's a tax free way to make a living

Celebrity Look-a-like contest winners

And the winners are!!!!

 For Ke$ha!

The Winner IS!

Faces of Meth Lady!!!!1


For this Olson Twin!

The winner is!

YAYAYAYAY!!!!!

For Angelina Jolie!

 The Winner is!

This Guy!!!!!

Honorable Mentions!

AND THE ULTIMATE GRAND PRIZE GOES TO

I Don't Feel Like Dancing

In my family, dancing is a reoccurring theme, always has been and always will be.  First of all, my father started this family trend with a grainy Super 8 video of himself dancing in his pajamas. This would be come a famous family video entitled "Paul Dancing".  My sisters. Mimi and Meghan, then went on to both have speaking roles in the hit movie Footloose, and if you are an American you know that that movie is about...well dancing.  Then came my gay ass, it started out very innocent. My nickname as a baby and far into my early 20's was Boogie.  I earned this nickname for dancing in my diaper to "Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy of Company B".  As an early teen, my brother max would catch me dancing around our living room and i would tell him i was exercising.  i would do a play now and then and have to dance in it.  Then, I was on a weight loss/dance reality TV show where i danced in front of a Million people.  But after I was asked by my partner to go shake my money maker at a local nightclub, i had a realization.  I hate dancing!

     WAIT WAIT WAIT LET ME EXPLAIN!

I'm going to piss a few people of by saying this, but the worst part of the show I was on was the dancing part of it.  I again have all the grace and dancing ability of a hippo that did a few bong rips.  I thank god that Dance Your Ass Off saved me from an obese adulthood, but I guarantee there were better and more deserving dancers that would have done a better job.  

I feel bad about all this mainly due to that fact that my partner loves to dance in the club.  I hate this for about 1,000 reasons.  Night club dancing to me is an odd phenomenon.  It is a mixture of competition, sweat, glitter and some douche rubbing his junk on my back.  Most "music" in a dance club is just a sped up version of the crappy song you hear on the radio about 40 times per day.  Your average club dancer look like a combination of someone having a seizure and being electrocuted at the same time.  Then you add in cover charges, expensive drinks, crowded spaces, noise that is too loud to talk over, lines for the men's room, and the vast colorful array of body odor and cologne.  Ill pass thank you, the only thing that makes it even remotly interesting to me is catching a drag show.    

Good drag queens can put on a very entertaining mixture of illusion and talent.  Some of these bitches can dance and actually entertain.  Some of these dizzy queens are entertaining without knowing it.  Nothing is funnier that a drag queen that is trying so hard to be taken seriously in there performance, but is too high to remember what her boobs are full of.  The golden goose of drag shows is if you can catch there junk come loose under there skin tight body suit.  Hilarious!   

Maybe it was my elimination dance that put such a bad taste in my mouth.  I mean look at how they dressed me.  Watching it back on TV,  I realize what a horror show that it was. For my sake and for the sake of my relationship, I hope i can get over it.  Maybe I kind find enough passion in my heart, or whiskey in my cupboard, to dance once more.    

Justa workin on my fitness

If you have never bought a new bed, I highly recommend it.  I have now slept three blissful nights on a very comfortable mattress that I got at a very reasonable price.   The best part about it is, i wake up every morning with more than enough energy to go to the gym.  I am certainly no muscle head, i just don't ever again want to get to my former 260 lb self.  However relationships have a way of putting some weight on a happy man and now it is time to take that weight off.  I do love myself no matter what, i would just prefer to not look like i have two bags of pudding on my back.  But, going to the gym has a price, a price that far exceeds the cost of the monthly membership.

I hated gym class as a kid.  not because i didn't like to run around and play games, no i just didn't like the culture that gym class created.  First of all, i was never really athletic as a kid.  i was more the kid who loved to get all his energy out, but i had the grace and ability of Chris Farley on roller skates.  Second, i never was picked first for teams, nope glasses wearing curly haired Miles was always dead last.  Third, the locker room, most of my gay friends said that was there favorite part, not me.  I find any locker room to be a stinky, weird, unsanitary place.  The locker room is where men turn into some sort of strange beast.  All of the sudden it is socially acceptable to fart as loud as you want, to call everything a bitch and for some, to walk around naked touching, scratching and generally manipulating there penis.  How much more of an odd homo-erotic place can this be.  As an adult this weird phenomenon has not changed, now i just am forced to pay for it if i want to work out.  I have a system when it comes to going to the gym.  Its a tried and true method that begins with locker selection all the way down to a shower afterward, if i have too.

When you get to the gym locker selection is key, if your locker room is broken up into different groups of lockers, select which area will be right for you.  The group of lockers closest to the door is reserved for old men and middle aged show boaters.  I caution against sitting on the benches in this area.  After a shower the middle aged guys usually like to lotion up there entire bodies completely naked.  Many times i have come in for a workout only to be greeted to a view of a guy who looks like your High School history teacher, with one leg on the bench applying lotion a little too close to an area he should lotion at home.  Next are the really old guys, and i am talking really old guys.  I applaud these  men for keeping up on there fitness later into there lives, but when you reach that age two things happen.  You don't give a shit about anything and gravity gets to your coin purse.  Again, avoid the benches in this area, I have witnessed on more than one occasion an older mans jewels hit the bench long before his ass.  yikes!

Middle bay is for the 26-37ish year olds.  It would be the best place to locker, due to the fact that it is usually very in and out for this group, but it is always packed and sometimes you get Commander Steroids talking for 45 mins about how he "Blasted his Abs today".  Usually he is standing in front of your locker and wont move. That's bad news if your tired and just want to go home.

The most out of the way bay is usually my selection due to its remote location.  Only warning about that is if you work out at a gym known for cruising, you may encounter someone with more on his mind than the treadmill.  Best thing to do is not make eye contact and change as quickly as possible.

Couple tips about selecting cardio equipment.  Depending on your fitness level and music selection, you may want to leave yourself some space.  I say fitness level because if you cough or sweat, your not flinging it around like an out of control drag queen with a bottle of glitter.    I say music more for me.  I like loud music that i can lose myself in.  It helps me focus on the task at hand.  I don't realize i am tired and want to quit because my brain is engaged in something else.  But, I am a 5'10" 190 lb man with shaved head and a beard. If you are close enough you will realize that the music that motivates me is the Hairspray Pandora station.  That's right, my gay ass runs and lifts weights while listening to show tunes. Don't judge me!

As far as weights go, it is a double edged sword.  I like both machines and free weights, but free weights can attract that douche who grunts and screams while he lifts.  It sounds like he is having a combination bowel movement and orgasm.  If that does not bug you then your in the clear.

Lastly the showers.  If you must shower at a gym, i urge shower shoes. Men pee, blow there nose and soap up there cracks in these showers.  I would highly recommend that you not let bare skin touch these areas.  Also, if the showers are open, mind your own business.  Nothing says creeper quite like when you rinse soap off your face and notice that someone is staring at you while they scrub their balls.  Double Yikes!


No matter where you are in your fitness do something to stay healthy.  I am living proof that despite all the weirdness of you local gym, you can achieve fitness goals and be healthy.  (BLech i just put that in because my Mom said i was to mean spirited in my writing)

Annual Confessions

It's that time of year again.  Time for me to confess all of my dastardly deeds of 2010.  Well actually i am a few years behind on them so here is a combined list.   Don't judge to harshly.

1. I often times would put gum under tales at work on purpose
2. I would steal a piece of hanger steak from almost every plate at Spencer's
3. I went pee pee in the Hilton hot tub...like 4 times
4. I would imitate almost every manager and supervisor i have ever had and perform for housekeeping
5. I blamed my office fart on the new guy.
6. I saved my Starbuck's cup for a week and only paid refill price
7. I spent most of my Team Member of the Month money on Whiskey.
8. I blew my nose on the bedspread of my Boyfriends roommate (he was an asshole)
9. i got kind of rough during a session of Slug Bug
10. When i was too lazy to do laundry i would throw away my socks and buy new ones
11. When I was on Dance Your Ass Off i would pretend to forget something in the dance studio and go back in and fart.
12. I smoked one cigarette every single Sunday when i was on DYAO.  I would tell the P.A. i was going to buy a magazine
13. I grazed Janice Dickenson's boob on purpose
14. I once went to one Wendy's and bought Chicken Nuggets then ate them on my way to another Wendy's to buy more, just to see if there was a difference.
15. I dropped a baked potato on the floor at work and still served it to a Utah Jazz Player.
16. .I went to an audition drunk....but still booked it
17. I hate Jack Johnson
18. I think Lady Ga Ga kind of looks like a banana slug.
19. I farted in Kevin Anderson's Section (God I fart a lot maybe i should see a doctor about that)
20. I told a bird who scared me to fuck off.

that all the that I can post on the internet

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